Oh boy. Where to begin? What a mess. Despite Skarsgard's best efforts in the gym, and a quite thrilling wildebeest stampede in the final reel, everything else falls flatter than ape boy's washboard abs. The special effects are far too ropey for a $180 million budget - notably during a train hijack with effects straight out of Playstation, and revisiting the duo's teen years where rather than cast younger actors, the Swede and Robbie's faces are put through the smudge tool wringer. What else? How about trying to pack two storylines into one courtesy of countless tiresome flashbacks. Lame efforts at making Jane a heroine. Clunkily dropped-in non-scenes involving elephants, hippos and ostrich. Samuel L Jackson wandering aimlessy amongst the din. Worst of all, why insist on being faithful to the book by casting white actors? If any series was screaming for an update with a black cast, it was this one. But no, instead they chose to have an American and a Swede playing two Brits, their stiff accents fading as your eyelids plunge ever southwards. Fail.